speaking (blogging, rather) of food-related names that double as feminine first names, i went to see the movie paprika tonight. what a weird film. it's an animated japanese feature about scientific dream manipulation. think eternal sunshine of the spotless mind without any of the physical constraints that live action places on characters' movements, but also without lovable characters. one element of the film that worked especially well was its suspense. when i was supposed to be scared, i was. i can't say that i recommend the film. it was interesting, but i won't go out of my way to see it again.

oh, my darling clementine

one day about a week ago, i noticed that my nails were a funny yellow/orange color. not being easily alarmed about my own health, i ignored it and hoped it would go away. two or three days later, i started to worry. optimistically, i tried to attribute my yellowness to my carrot intake because i once knew a girl who ate so many carrots her hands turned orange. but i knew that i hadn’t eaten any yellow or orange vegetables in the past couple weeks, and then, not enough to cause discoloration; besides, my palms were perfectly normal. then, i thought, what if i have jaundice? panicked, i ran to the bathroom to check the whites of my eyes. to my profound relief, they were still white. since the only place where i noticed the strange discoloration was on my nails, (and only between the tip and the cuticle) i knew that the villainous stain culprit must be something i spent a lot of time touching. but what?

i thought long and hard: i knew it couldn't be the yellow chalk from school or my yellow/orange pen because i don't use them very often. none of my clothes are obnoxiously bright yellow and i don't do manual labor with anything yellow. all at once, i realized: it must be the four or more clementines i'd been eating per day. my clementines of choice are not those itty bitty american ones, but the big, juicy, technicolor-orange, spanish variety. by peeling them manually, i must have been staining my nails orange/yellow. cue the huge sigh of relief. thank goodness nothing was actually wrong with me.

i'm not going to stop eating clementines because of this little scare. my friend p thinks that i should at least slow down, but in my opinion, living with stained nails is a small price to pay for the incredible amount of vitamin c and flavor, not to mention joy, that each clementine brings me. plus, i might be a little addicted.

success!

i had such a good time with the kids yesterday. we watched "another brick in the wall" by pink floyd and they had to figure out the lyrics, historical context, etc, yadda yadda, educational *yawn*. but they loved it! and i was riding high all day until one kid pointed out the parental warning on the case and that it might be illegal for me to show it in school. ah well, it's not like anyone is going to sue and i'm not a real teacher, so i can't get in too much trouble. i've never had a class beg me to let them sing before. i can't wait to do "magnificent seven" by the clash with a group. best call and response song ever.

ewww! i almost became meredith

yuck. a friend of mine pointed out that my situation is strikingly similar to "grey's anatomy", but i have no desire to be meredith.

he really didn't get it

i talked to the loup again yesterday. as part of thursday's plan to avoid openly rejecting him by seeing him with large groups of people, i had invited him to hang out with some of my friends last night. i almost cancelled after friday's debacle, but i wanted to give him one more chance to catch my drift before i severed all personal ties with someone that i have to see quite often. although i knew i was taking a huge chance, i had enough faith in the loup to let him pick me up last night, thinking the car ride would be the best time to talk seriously about "us".

that didn't end up being the case, because we got lost on the way to the restaurant. however, on the walk from the car to the restaurant, i brought up the delicate subject again. first, i asked him if he understood yet what i tried to say friday night. of course, he said "no," so i repeated what i said on friday. he gave me the same blank look i'd already seen three times, so i changed ploys. this time i connected the fact that he was married to the possibility of something happening between the two of us and my consequent discomfort. at last, i saw a light bulb turn on. you've seen it happen: the person inhales sharply and suddenly straightens up while widening his eyes; then he lets out a several-second-long "ohhhhhhh" that rises, then falls. i think i'm going to call it the "crescendo of realization" from now on.

once he'd crescendo-ed, he chose his words very carefully. he told me that he liked spending time with me and didn't consider himself married anymore, but that he didn't want to make me uncomfortable. i re-iterated my point that we couldn't spend time alone and he looked at me very sincerely replied said that we would do whatever i wanted.

in the first decision i've made with him that i'm sure is intelligent, i cancelled my plans with him for today. i feel like i accomplished three things last night: 1) i communicated my problem to the loup, 2) i introduced him to the most social person i know--he doesn't see many people now that his wife is gone--and 3) i made sure that i'm in control of the situation. scary.

rape counselors would disagree

having reflected on last night's events, i've started wondering if all this male attention is somehow my fault. in the past i've definitely wanted some attention from men--that's normal. however, recent events have definitely not been normal.

they remind me of an outing i took this summer to a dessert restaurant with some of my friends. i joked around with the waiter in hopes that he wouldn't spit in my pie, because you see, i'm a very difficult customer. i have to ask about the ingredients in whatever i eat and request all kinds of bizarre substitutions. even though i was at an ice cream parlor with a vegan (poor thing) i managed to take the longest to order. i even sent one pie slice back to the kitchen, so you see why i was worried about the server's reaction. once the waiter left the table to put in my second order, all three of my friends turned to me in unison with the same knowing, almost accusatory stare. as you can imagine, i was a bit scared. after a few uncomfortable seconds, one of them said, "you were totally flirting with our waiter." i was dumbfounded. no, i wasn't flirting; i was practicing damage control.

of course, i'm not being extra nice to any of the men that i've mentioned in this blog (besides the waiter) out of fear that they'll spit on me or anything i plan to eat. however, it's possible that i'm unconsciously giving them signs that i'm interested in them. that's especially the case with english husband. i sought out our first conversation because i wanted to meet the other half of one of the most wonderful women i've ever met. maybe i led him on? i don't know. the only thing i know is that i need to spend less time with men and more with my female friends. that plan seems like common sense, but it's difficult to do. i'm new to my job in a new city and i don't know very many people. the few people i do know, i know through male acquaintances, so even if i do hang out with the girls i know, the guys will probably be with us.

in addition to my unconscious flirting, another fault that will probably get me in trouble is my love of fixing things. i can't imagine leaving the situation with the loup the way it is, especially since he's already done so many things for me. i want everyone to come out of this experience relatively happy, though that might not be possible.

"People kill people over things like this"

so says my roommate, quite justly. bad things happened tonight, some of which you could probably see coming a week ago.

yesterday after school, the loup asked me if i wanted to see an art exposition on sunday. i thought about turning him down right away, but i stopped myself because i thought i might be able escape dumping him (even though i'm not dating him) by inviting other people on our date. in order to give myself some time to think about these two options, i said "maybe" and that i'd give him an answer today before the staff party tonight.

today, i decided that the second, more cowardly option was the better one, so i agreed to go the the exposition and started inviting other teachers left and right. the first person i asked said "sure" in a very cavalier and insincere manner. i know that i won't see him on sunday (for two reasons, but i'm jumping ahead of myself). the second gave me a similarly ambiguous and uninspired response. the first positive reply came from an english teacher with whom i work quite closely and who gave me a ride home before the party. she said she'd come on the condition that her husband come with us. no problem for me. she's one of the most dynamic and energetic people i've ever met, so i figured that he must be at least half as cool as her, right? oy.

at the staff party tonight, english teacher introduced me to her husband, who seemed really cool. i realize that "cool" is a very poor adjective in this day in age. however, it is the proper term to describe him: he has longish hair, cut so that however much he may muss it, it always falls back in place; tonight he was wearing a pin-striped blazer over a dark, diagonally criss-cross-striped sweater and a pair of jeans; his shoes were stylish, but unremarkable. despite the mixture of patterns, his outfit was extremely tasteful. he looked cool.

when english husband opened his mouth, he did not disappoint me. he was every bit as engaging in conversation as his wife. the problem was that he talked to me for most of the night. i liked him, but after talking to him for almost an hour i realized that it wasn't very nice of him to ignore his wife in order to talk to me. i ran away for a bit to join the spontaneous jazzercise class that the gym teacher started in part of the room, thinking that he'd rejoin his wife and that would be that. but, after the dance he started talking to me again. in fact, the loup became my refuge from english husband. imagine that.

at the end of the night, english teacher and english husband returned to the question of the exposition. they wouldn't be able to make it. i wasn't terribly disappointed because the thought of seeing both english husband and the loup together again made me quite uncomfortable. however, it did make it difficult to avoid being frank with the loup about our relationship. thus, when the loup insisted on driving me home, i acquiesced without protest because i knew what i had to do.

most of the ride home was amusing because the loup is a very funny guy. the end, on the other hand, was less than fun. just before i was about to get out of the car i turned to him and said, "i have to tell you something. we can't see each other too often by ourselves because it makes me uncomfortable to do so with a married man." the beginning of my declaration was slow because i didn't want to start this conversation, but the second sentence was all one word, spoken in one breath. he simply looked at me and said, "i don't understand."

i thought my words were clear, but that i had spoken them too quickly, so i repeated myself more slowly. so did the loup. that moment was when i realized that this conversation was going to be even more difficult to end than it was to begin. i repeated myself a third time and this time he said, "but i'm not married," to which i responded, "but you're not divorced." his reply (no joke): “not officially, no." i simply repeated myself a fourth time. i don't think that this is a concept that is horribly difficult to understand, but maybe i didn't express myself forcefully enough.

of course, as soon as we said our goodbyes, i rushed into the house and fell apart in front of my roommate, who told me to stay away from the loup at all costs. she added that the wife might secretly be suffering and that i could be putting myself in a lot of danger of the mental, emotional and, possibly, physical varieties. she's a smart girl whom i don't often give enough credit and who, unfortunately, has been in my situation before.

after talking to my roommate i realized two things: first, i have to spend a week with the loup because we're two of the four adults on a school field trip; it's going to be impossible to avoid him for the next several months; second, it's possible that he didn't understand what i was trying to say because he had never thought of my as anything more than a friend. i don't know how likely that possibility is, but i'm going to call him tomorrow to try to make my feelings clearer for him and, very likely, to cancel sunday's outing.

the scot

oh, the scot. if we ever get together, we will be the most socially awkward pair ever to walk the elephant-lined streets of this lovely city. he finally responded to me in the middle of last night, the night we should have seen each other. i'm guessing that he's no longer interested, but i'm still curious about him. i get the feeling that i'll have a lot to write once we've seen one another in daylight. i'm really looking forward to going on a date that i know is a date with someone i might actually want to date.

saturday's deleted second post

you probably remember that last week, while i was trying to tell the dragueur to stop hitting on me, the loup (a married teacher who works with me and always seems to be flirting) called. when i answered the phone, he asked me if i wanted to go to a concert with him. idiot that i am, i said yes, first because i was convinced that his wife and several other people were going--he said he was going to ask several people, and second, because i needed him to get off the phone as soon as possible so i could finish talking to the dragueur. i am dumb, dumb, dumb.

so dumb, that it took several very obvious signs from him for me to figure out that he was taking me on a date. first, he picked me up tonight by himself (clue number 1). then, took me to dinner and paid (clue number 2). finally, at the concert, he explained that he and his "girlfriend" had recently separated (clue number 3). ooh, ooh, ooh! i think i get it--it was a date. my goodness, i wish i were swifter.

as the result of my utter oblivion regarding the opposite sex, i'm currently recovering from the realization that i just went on a date with a married man. and despite the fact that he called his wife his girlfriend, he is, in fact, married. when i asked, he confirmed it, although he wasn't wearing his wedding ring. i should have known that he was asking me out. nothing happened and i'll make sure that nothing will happen, but i'm extremely uncomfortable.

and dumb, dumb, dumb.

i have a bike!

yay! as this post's title implies, i bought a bike today. i found it online for only 5 euros, an absolutely amazing feat because all the other bikes in this area for people over 9 years old were listed at least 90--USED. i ended up paying 10 for it because the lady didn't have change, but i don't care 'cause now i don't have to pay for the metro and i don't have to bother my roommate anymore about visiting bikes with me. i made her go with my today because the last time i went by myself to see something i found on the internet (namely an apartment) i almost got trapped with a naked man. thank goodness i didn't make it all the way there to meet him. it's possible that he wasn't even naked, but when i arrived at his building he told me on my cell phone that he was. and he sounded old. ew. on the contrary, this lady was really nice and young and tried to make me promise to come back for my change, which i probably won't do unless i'm desperately broke and in need of a meal.

speaking of meals, i got one for free last night while i was helping the gaillarde edit her translation of an atrocious article her boss composed. maybe it wasn't that bad, because it was intentionally vague, but man, was it difficult to read. while we were taking one of our breaks, the gaillarde helped me figure out what to do about the scot. yes, the boy who just barely succeeded in walking me home last saturday. he sent me a really cute text message on monday, apologizing for his behaviour--the fact that he was able to associate my number with me was already a good sign--but i didn't know how to respond. i wanted to wait until i had asked people who knew him if he was a good or bad apple, but i didn't want to make him wait too long. i ended up sending him a quick (and dry) "thanks for walking me home the other night", even though i wanted to see him again. it didn't occur to me to simply be honest and respond, "yes, you were stupid saturday night, but i'd like to see you again, anyway," which would have simplified my life. now, with the gaillarde's help, i've made an attempt to re-connect with him. she advised me to apologize for the tone of my last text and ask him to have coffee with me on wednesday. however, i fear that my effort might be too little too late. alas, i wish i weren't so bad at talking to boys. the minute i'm interested i do everything possible to sabotage myself. maybe that's what i should do with the dragueur. i should just throw myself at him so he'll lose interest and we can go back to having a normal friendship. i wish i believed that would work.

and before i forget, everyone who reads my blog (yeah, right. i know i'm writing to myself, but there's always a chance...) should be aware that one of my favorite blogs, redactedblog.blogspot.com, is being written for the next couple of weeks by the regular author's friends, while he is volunteering in louisiana. its content is obviously different, so be kind to dan. it's not him. i particularly liked the post titled "isabelle" because the author is hilarious. the one called "it's like yeah..." is incoherent, yet enjoyable and i like the non-blogger. please be kind in your comments.

i'm outtie.

the past 36 hours

the following is an anomalous occurrence. i must have been giving off some strong pheromones this weekend.

on friday mat sent me an email to invite me to a last night's folk dance and i agreed, expecting to go with him and several of his friends. however, he showed up alone. i'm not sure if he meant it to be a date or if he just needed a partner for the night. either way, he was extremely patient with me and both of my left feet. after the dance we met up with my friend the dragueur and two of his female friends and we all headed to al's party. there we met a whole lot of irish people and a falling-down-drunk franco-scot, who asked me my name and what i was studying at least four times before the soiree ended. during the entire party, the dragueur and the scot took turns hitting on me, while mat suffered silently from a headache in a corner. eventually mat went home (i would have done so sooner in his place) and the scot kicked up his game a notch. the dragueur was mostly kidding, but the scot was inebriated and earnest, which worried me (as it well should have).

at the end of the party i had two options (only two because my shoe was broken): 1) sleep chez the dragueur, whom i didn't particularly trust in the dark or 2) walk to the taxi depot with the scot and his friends so we could share two cabs for the six of us. even though i worried that we might have to carry the scot to the depot, i chose option 2 because i thought it would be less worrisome in the long run. oh, was i wrong.

on the way to the taxi depot the scot decided to make a serious play for me, not by telling me jokes like most boys might, but by repeatedly asking my name and my field of study. i know that he was drunk--he was just barely succeeding at walking in a straight line--but i have a hard time believing that his memory is that bad. after having told him my name and that i wasn't in school at least 8 times, we finally reached the taxi stop. i chose to sit on the rail next to the scot because even though he wasn't in the best shape, he was much easier to stomach than his friends. they made fun of him very loudly for his obvious lack of luck with me the whole time he was talking to me. their behaviour was just bearable while we were all waiting, but it was unacceptable when one of the cabs showed up almost an hour after we'd arrived. all four of the scot's friends got into it, leaving him drunk, a bit sick and alone with me. i felt bad for myself having to be with the scot, but i felt even worse for him for having such friends. the poor kid could barely walk, let alone remember who i was or why i kept rejecting him.

we waited for the other cab for another half hour, then we decided to walk home. i couldn't really avoid walking with him because i live on the way to his place and not the other way around. it was a bit creepy walking with a complete stranger at night, past dark corners and the scot made it even creepier by grabbing at me the entire time, not necessarily in a sexual way, but in a strangely gallant attempt to keep me warm. first he forced his coat on me, then he took my hands one at a time to heat them in his. he'd seize one hand, exclaim that it was freezing and try to warm it by rubbing it between his hands and sometimes even by blowing on it. then he'd grab the other and repeat the process. he was equally as surprised at the temperature of my hands the first time he took them as he was the twelfth or so. one thing he tried but that i absolutely would not let him do was give me his socks and shoes. every fifty yards he'd stop and try to take them off and give them to me and i'd hurry away, so he'd have to catch up with me or never see his coat again. the scot didn't ask me my name again during the walk home, but i don't think that's because he remembered it. i think he was too busy warming my hands and pulling at his socks and asking me when he could see me again.

during most of the walk i was afraid that the scot was feigning delirium and was actually going to rape me, but toward the end i realized that he was actually chivalrous in a rambling, only semi-conscious way. that's the only excuse i can offer for giving him my phone number at the end of our walk.

not true. the other, very good, excuse i have is that i want to see him again in order to determine if he was just extremely drunk saturday night or if there's something wrong with him. i didn't let him follow me all the way home, thank goodness. i did, at least, take that precaution. i wonder if he remembers who i am, if not my name, today. it would be really funny if all he could remember about last night was that someone named "universal muse" was not in school.

this evening, in order to clear things up between the dragueur and me, i was going to tell him that he needed to ease up on his constant seduction attempts. they're not working and starting to make me uncomfortable. just as i was about to start this discussion, i received a phone call from the loup, a very attractive and very married teacher who works with me. the loup is one of those guys who always give the impression that their interested in whomever they talk to. every conversation with him seems like a double entendre for something sexual. at lunch when he says, "pass me a napkin" he might as well be saying, "let's go make out behind the bleachers." needless to say, i plan to avoid him like the plague this school year.

after a longer-than-necessary conversation, i got the loup to hang up so the dragueur and i could have our little talk. it turned out to be fine. i have to say, though, the timing of this weekend's events absolutely kills me. this is the first time that anything of the sort has ever happened to me.

if you want a really good read, try either of the two following sites: thecompanybitch.blogspot.com or redactedblog.blogspot.com. both are smart and the latter is verbose, but witty.

by the way, happy thanksgiving! i didn't really celebrate it, though i have to talk about it tomorrow in class. i spent my last thanksgiving in france in a restaurant that tried its darnedest to recreate the American holiday authentically for my group. our meal consisted of beef-stuffed turkey and unidentifiable vegetables. for dessert we had the choice between pumpkin pie and chocolate cake. having seen the french versions of turkey and stuffing, i opted for the chocolate cake. good choice. i tasted one of my neighbor's pumpkin pie slices and it was atrocious. french pastry crust (good) with under-sugared pumpkin paste (very, very bad). wishing you all a much better meal than that one.

it might have been a better idea to not tell anyone that i'm writing a blog. now i have a reader, which means pressure to be entertaining. sorry, p, don't think that's happening anytime soon.

i live in a country where parking cars on sidewalks is acceptable. this fact continues to blow my mind after two months. it kind of makes sense, since the streets are so narrow, but it doesn't give pedestrians much room or security. maybe there should be a limit to the amount of sidewalk space a vehicle can occupy. for example, tonight there was a bulldozer parked on the sidewalk, taking up the entire sidewalk--because bulldozers are big. that practice should be illegal, in my opinion. but i guess that even if it were outlawed, the city owns the bulldozer, so they wouldn't give its operator a ticket. hmm.

beginnings

i s'pose i'll start with my workday. the first group was well-enough behaved, though markedly uninspired. e was loud and a bit annoying, but not too mean. p was her usual brash self--i love this girl. she reminds me of a teacher i had in high school who managed to convince a good number of us that she could get away with doing us physical harm and who routinely threatened us with blunt objects. she was built like a buick and never smiled--best history teacher ever. s was actually pretty good, but the entire class was scattered. no more thinking games for them.

the second group was a disciplinary disaster. l2 was her usual self. i wonder if she hates me or just has trouble with authority. i'll talk to her after our next session if she's bad again. e, the anglophone, was mouthy, but maybe only because l2 is her best friend. l1 is being good again. i think i just embarrassed her last time. she's smart--they all are--but l2 is a terrible influence. i lost v today because i underestimated his enthusiasm. we clashed when he acted out in protest of my (not exactly) punishment. i think it made him mad 'cause he's usually one of the good kids. he also acted out when i told him he couldn't fully participate in the activity. next week, the object is to get him back and occupy them for the entire hour. maybe i'll start with some stuff about college--that'll get them.

the other groups were fine, i guess. the second group completely deflated my ego, so i was a bit depressed when the third group showed up. i need to catch their attention more fully. i think i'll go back to the article. they were so enthusiastic that they lifted my spirits for the hour, though they were scattered like the others.

my lovely sixers saved the day with the guessing game. they actually fought over who got to draw xs next to adjectives on the board.

to anyone who happens to stumble upon this blog: i hope this is the most boring post i'll ever make. i'm in a melancholy state, which i hope excuses this sad (ha, pun!) excuse for a posting.