rape counselors would disagree

having reflected on last night's events, i've started wondering if all this male attention is somehow my fault. in the past i've definitely wanted some attention from men--that's normal. however, recent events have definitely not been normal.

they remind me of an outing i took this summer to a dessert restaurant with some of my friends. i joked around with the waiter in hopes that he wouldn't spit in my pie, because you see, i'm a very difficult customer. i have to ask about the ingredients in whatever i eat and request all kinds of bizarre substitutions. even though i was at an ice cream parlor with a vegan (poor thing) i managed to take the longest to order. i even sent one pie slice back to the kitchen, so you see why i was worried about the server's reaction. once the waiter left the table to put in my second order, all three of my friends turned to me in unison with the same knowing, almost accusatory stare. as you can imagine, i was a bit scared. after a few uncomfortable seconds, one of them said, "you were totally flirting with our waiter." i was dumbfounded. no, i wasn't flirting; i was practicing damage control.

of course, i'm not being extra nice to any of the men that i've mentioned in this blog (besides the waiter) out of fear that they'll spit on me or anything i plan to eat. however, it's possible that i'm unconsciously giving them signs that i'm interested in them. that's especially the case with english husband. i sought out our first conversation because i wanted to meet the other half of one of the most wonderful women i've ever met. maybe i led him on? i don't know. the only thing i know is that i need to spend less time with men and more with my female friends. that plan seems like common sense, but it's difficult to do. i'm new to my job in a new city and i don't know very many people. the few people i do know, i know through male acquaintances, so even if i do hang out with the girls i know, the guys will probably be with us.

in addition to my unconscious flirting, another fault that will probably get me in trouble is my love of fixing things. i can't imagine leaving the situation with the loup the way it is, especially since he's already done so many things for me. i want everyone to come out of this experience relatively happy, though that might not be possible.