"People kill people over things like this"

so says my roommate, quite justly. bad things happened tonight, some of which you could probably see coming a week ago.

yesterday after school, the loup asked me if i wanted to see an art exposition on sunday. i thought about turning him down right away, but i stopped myself because i thought i might be able escape dumping him (even though i'm not dating him) by inviting other people on our date. in order to give myself some time to think about these two options, i said "maybe" and that i'd give him an answer today before the staff party tonight.

today, i decided that the second, more cowardly option was the better one, so i agreed to go the the exposition and started inviting other teachers left and right. the first person i asked said "sure" in a very cavalier and insincere manner. i know that i won't see him on sunday (for two reasons, but i'm jumping ahead of myself). the second gave me a similarly ambiguous and uninspired response. the first positive reply came from an english teacher with whom i work quite closely and who gave me a ride home before the party. she said she'd come on the condition that her husband come with us. no problem for me. she's one of the most dynamic and energetic people i've ever met, so i figured that he must be at least half as cool as her, right? oy.

at the staff party tonight, english teacher introduced me to her husband, who seemed really cool. i realize that "cool" is a very poor adjective in this day in age. however, it is the proper term to describe him: he has longish hair, cut so that however much he may muss it, it always falls back in place; tonight he was wearing a pin-striped blazer over a dark, diagonally criss-cross-striped sweater and a pair of jeans; his shoes were stylish, but unremarkable. despite the mixture of patterns, his outfit was extremely tasteful. he looked cool.

when english husband opened his mouth, he did not disappoint me. he was every bit as engaging in conversation as his wife. the problem was that he talked to me for most of the night. i liked him, but after talking to him for almost an hour i realized that it wasn't very nice of him to ignore his wife in order to talk to me. i ran away for a bit to join the spontaneous jazzercise class that the gym teacher started in part of the room, thinking that he'd rejoin his wife and that would be that. but, after the dance he started talking to me again. in fact, the loup became my refuge from english husband. imagine that.

at the end of the night, english teacher and english husband returned to the question of the exposition. they wouldn't be able to make it. i wasn't terribly disappointed because the thought of seeing both english husband and the loup together again made me quite uncomfortable. however, it did make it difficult to avoid being frank with the loup about our relationship. thus, when the loup insisted on driving me home, i acquiesced without protest because i knew what i had to do.

most of the ride home was amusing because the loup is a very funny guy. the end, on the other hand, was less than fun. just before i was about to get out of the car i turned to him and said, "i have to tell you something. we can't see each other too often by ourselves because it makes me uncomfortable to do so with a married man." the beginning of my declaration was slow because i didn't want to start this conversation, but the second sentence was all one word, spoken in one breath. he simply looked at me and said, "i don't understand."

i thought my words were clear, but that i had spoken them too quickly, so i repeated myself more slowly. so did the loup. that moment was when i realized that this conversation was going to be even more difficult to end than it was to begin. i repeated myself a third time and this time he said, "but i'm not married," to which i responded, "but you're not divorced." his reply (no joke): “not officially, no." i simply repeated myself a fourth time. i don't think that this is a concept that is horribly difficult to understand, but maybe i didn't express myself forcefully enough.

of course, as soon as we said our goodbyes, i rushed into the house and fell apart in front of my roommate, who told me to stay away from the loup at all costs. she added that the wife might secretly be suffering and that i could be putting myself in a lot of danger of the mental, emotional and, possibly, physical varieties. she's a smart girl whom i don't often give enough credit and who, unfortunately, has been in my situation before.

after talking to my roommate i realized two things: first, i have to spend a week with the loup because we're two of the four adults on a school field trip; it's going to be impossible to avoid him for the next several months; second, it's possible that he didn't understand what i was trying to say because he had never thought of my as anything more than a friend. i don't know how likely that possibility is, but i'm going to call him tomorrow to try to make my feelings clearer for him and, very likely, to cancel sunday's outing.