he really didn't get it

i talked to the loup again yesterday. as part of thursday's plan to avoid openly rejecting him by seeing him with large groups of people, i had invited him to hang out with some of my friends last night. i almost cancelled after friday's debacle, but i wanted to give him one more chance to catch my drift before i severed all personal ties with someone that i have to see quite often. although i knew i was taking a huge chance, i had enough faith in the loup to let him pick me up last night, thinking the car ride would be the best time to talk seriously about "us".

that didn't end up being the case, because we got lost on the way to the restaurant. however, on the walk from the car to the restaurant, i brought up the delicate subject again. first, i asked him if he understood yet what i tried to say friday night. of course, he said "no," so i repeated what i said on friday. he gave me the same blank look i'd already seen three times, so i changed ploys. this time i connected the fact that he was married to the possibility of something happening between the two of us and my consequent discomfort. at last, i saw a light bulb turn on. you've seen it happen: the person inhales sharply and suddenly straightens up while widening his eyes; then he lets out a several-second-long "ohhhhhhh" that rises, then falls. i think i'm going to call it the "crescendo of realization" from now on.

once he'd crescendo-ed, he chose his words very carefully. he told me that he liked spending time with me and didn't consider himself married anymore, but that he didn't want to make me uncomfortable. i re-iterated my point that we couldn't spend time alone and he looked at me very sincerely replied said that we would do whatever i wanted.

in the first decision i've made with him that i'm sure is intelligent, i cancelled my plans with him for today. i feel like i accomplished three things last night: 1) i communicated my problem to the loup, 2) i introduced him to the most social person i know--he doesn't see many people now that his wife is gone--and 3) i made sure that i'm in control of the situation. scary.